Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
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people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?