@byrdie_num_num: Instead of "Juicy" I have "May contain gas" written on the back of my shorts.
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@InternetHippo: “When someone is mad at you, that’s THEIR problem” and other advice from my upcoming book, ‘Where Did All My Friends Go’
@Tmoney68: Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
@MartaEffing: [first date] Me: *sees he owns a cat* Him: Are you a cat or a dog person? Me: *maintains eye contact* *pushes cat off the table* *leaves*
@JimmerThatisAll: This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.