“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
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DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?