Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
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*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
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For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.