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@ericONEderful: Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
@SCbchbum: Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
@TheWeirdWorld: If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
@kcmoore51: If we get pulled over this beer is yours.
@TheTweetOfGod: The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what's truly important in life, like their iPhones.
@JessObsess: *At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils