@ericONEderful: Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
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@djdarrellripley: Him: I just had sex with that woman! Me: She’s 60. Him: I know. Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
@ArfMeasures: [Bar] HER: I want to have sex so badly ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
@juliussharpe: SiriusXM is broadcasting NASCAR because there's nothing more exciting than listening to people drive.
@underrateDad: My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.