Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
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So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.