peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
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Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Usage Guidelines
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with