instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
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Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”