Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
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Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no