@pleatedjeans: Instead of yelling "Hello?" when u think a murderer's in your home, say "Goodbye" Then if he's there he'll be like well OK guess I'm leaving
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@SCbchbum: When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
@hippieswordfish: *suddenly awakes* honey! i just had a nightmare that i was naked at a job interview, licking BBQ sauce off the guy's face interviewer: ummm
@Tmoney68: God: "MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE." Moses: "New burning bush. Who dis?"