INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
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Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.