My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
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Unsolicited sandwich pics.
All. The. Damn. Time.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I’m already scared
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.