Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
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50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
The “baby” on the left….
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”