[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
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Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.