Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
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No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.