Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent