Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
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hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Quadruple digit IQ
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.