Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
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How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.