every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
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@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins