Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
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Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”