I really had high hopes for this year though
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[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
#DesignFail
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Me as a therapist: omg same
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.