There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
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I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
#ParentingFacts
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.