[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
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Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I just tested negative for patience.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
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The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no