[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
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Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect