[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
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“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Girl, same.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Heroic Misunderstanding
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Breaking news:
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone