[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
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If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.