*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
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God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”