*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
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MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?