ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
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*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping