@JohnnyCrash5: [Interrupts the wedding vows] it's open bar right?
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@ByYourLogic: i'm every guy who says he's taking a twitter break for mental health reasons and then returns 6 hours later
@ThisOneSayz: *Standing in my shower* I wasn't being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
@walks_on_legs: What is this special type of waffle called a "Tennis racket" and why does it taste like metal wires?
@OctopusCaveman: When you have children, sometimes you see a glimmer of your personality shine in them, and in that moment you know why your mom drank.