“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
You Might Also Like
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
every single time
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I’m good, thanks.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.