*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
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Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Breakfast for Stoners:
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home