*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
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*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
*sewing*
A thread
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.