[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
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Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
when nothing goes right… go left
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.