[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
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She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Sing it!
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
my first dose meeting my second
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.