[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
You Might Also Like
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I can鈥檛 believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where鈥檇 my stick go?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 馃槶馃張馃摵
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don鈥檛 say it like that
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I鈥檒l never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn鈥檛 it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
The Struggle
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.