People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
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How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
thank god
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons