[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
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Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*