[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
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My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow