[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
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year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
eggs benadryl
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*