[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
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PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.