[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
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JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????