[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
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Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck