Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
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interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.