[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
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Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die