[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
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buying dead houseplants to save time
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.