[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
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If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs