Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
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I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Are you a cat person or a person person?
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.