if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
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Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
this has to be peak English
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.