Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
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doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
NASA has no chill
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know