Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
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Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti