[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
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It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I am, perchance
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face